My three month lease is set to expire at the end of August. I am excited to move into an apartment in Weibdeh that I found yesterday. It is a really nice place that I will be sharing with a friend for the remainder of my time in Amman. When I went to give my deposit to the landlady, she introduced me to her mother, who lives on the floor below me in the same apartment building. She was your stereotypical older Arab Muslim woman. She immediately insisted that I sit down with her and she offered me coffee and other drinks as she was helping write out the directions and address. She emphasized that I should see her as my mother, presumably if I ever needed anything.
My friend and I returned the next day to sign the lease. Just as I finished signing both sheets of paper and handed them to the landlady, her mother came in the room and said, in English, "But NO boyfriends!"I looked to her daughter and asked her what she meant. She looked a little embarrassed and said that she didn't want male visitors. I told her that was something she should've told me before we signed the contract since that would have definitely changed my decision. I explained that half of our friends are males and they would be coming over. "But they won't spend the night." I told her they might and I didn't want this surprise addition to the rental agreement determining who could spend the night. She seemed to not have a problem and she understood and she took her mother aside to explain. We agreed that as long as it wasn't on a nightly basis that it wouldn't be a problem (even this final stipulation I agreed to not because of the gender issue, but because anyone staying over every night should be considered another tenant that the landlord would have a right to know about). I am still nervous that once her daughter returns to L.A. in a couple days, the mother's blood will boil anytime she sees us having friends over.
This interaction, and the impending awkward living situation, has been irritating me all day. Partially because I'm worried I'm in the wrong. The agreement that a single tenant cannot have the opposite gender over is quite common here. In fact, it is the situation that I'm living in now. I live with two girls, and we can have the occasional male visitor, but they cannot spend the night. The difference was that I knew of this arrangement before I signed the contract. I am still extremely bothered by the fact that I am paying rent (probably more than I should be) for a private residence where I am not allowed to live a private life. Of course, this is a reality of living in a Muslim country and in most other respects I simply adhere to any societal or cultural norms with minimal complaining. I have no problem with covering my head if the situation calls for it, I won't eat or drink in public during Ramadan, I do what I can to insure that I don't accidentally touch a conservative shop-keeper's hand when he's giving me my change, I sit in such a way so that the bottom of my foot is not facing anyone. All of these things I am fine with, and I enjoy adjusting my own behavior based on my surroundings but the difference to me is that these are all public. They're about my interactions with Jordanians and indicating that I respect their culture. Of course, another way I could indicate my respect is by not having male visitors but my immediate response to this is, "But I'm paying for a private apartment!" An apartment where I should be able to do what I want as long as it is discreet (no beer bottles left outside, no loud music, etc.) and as long as it does not damage the apartment in any way. But, of course, this idea of the home being a sacred, private space may itself be a Western concept that shouldn't be applied to life in the Arab world.
I guess when I politely nodded my head at the idea of her being "like my mother" I was signing up for more than I expected. Another large part of what bothers me about all of this is that it's being imposed upon me by other women. That's definitely a pattern when it comes to the shaming I've experienced in the Middle East. In Yemen, I found that it was not normal for a non-Muslim foreigner to wear a hijab everyday, so I stopped wearing one. The men looked at me just as they had before, but the women starting glaring and the more conservative ones would mumble insults to me as I passed by, one even calling me evil. Any mean looks that I have gotten here or in Morocco or, let's be honest, in the U.S., come from women. The looks that I get from men in these countries are disgusting in their own right, but are filled with misplaced sexual frustration and ignorance, rather than the animosity and disgust that I get from some women. Of course, I'm not equating dangerous sexual harassment with glares from women, but the latter is especially infuriating after experiencing the former. When discussing subjects like this, I always say that women contribute to patriarchies just as much as men do. I may need to change that to "even more than men do."
![]()
My friend and I returned the next day to sign the lease. Just as I finished signing both sheets of paper and handed them to the landlady, her mother came in the room and said, in English, "But NO boyfriends!"I looked to her daughter and asked her what she meant. She looked a little embarrassed and said that she didn't want male visitors. I told her that was something she should've told me before we signed the contract since that would have definitely changed my decision. I explained that half of our friends are males and they would be coming over. "But they won't spend the night." I told her they might and I didn't want this surprise addition to the rental agreement determining who could spend the night. She seemed to not have a problem and she understood and she took her mother aside to explain. We agreed that as long as it wasn't on a nightly basis that it wouldn't be a problem (even this final stipulation I agreed to not because of the gender issue, but because anyone staying over every night should be considered another tenant that the landlord would have a right to know about). I am still nervous that once her daughter returns to L.A. in a couple days, the mother's blood will boil anytime she sees us having friends over.
This interaction, and the impending awkward living situation, has been irritating me all day. Partially because I'm worried I'm in the wrong. The agreement that a single tenant cannot have the opposite gender over is quite common here. In fact, it is the situation that I'm living in now. I live with two girls, and we can have the occasional male visitor, but they cannot spend the night. The difference was that I knew of this arrangement before I signed the contract. I am still extremely bothered by the fact that I am paying rent (probably more than I should be) for a private residence where I am not allowed to live a private life. Of course, this is a reality of living in a Muslim country and in most other respects I simply adhere to any societal or cultural norms with minimal complaining. I have no problem with covering my head if the situation calls for it, I won't eat or drink in public during Ramadan, I do what I can to insure that I don't accidentally touch a conservative shop-keeper's hand when he's giving me my change, I sit in such a way so that the bottom of my foot is not facing anyone. All of these things I am fine with, and I enjoy adjusting my own behavior based on my surroundings but the difference to me is that these are all public. They're about my interactions with Jordanians and indicating that I respect their culture. Of course, another way I could indicate my respect is by not having male visitors but my immediate response to this is, "But I'm paying for a private apartment!" An apartment where I should be able to do what I want as long as it is discreet (no beer bottles left outside, no loud music, etc.) and as long as it does not damage the apartment in any way. But, of course, this idea of the home being a sacred, private space may itself be a Western concept that shouldn't be applied to life in the Arab world.
I guess when I politely nodded my head at the idea of her being "like my mother" I was signing up for more than I expected. Another large part of what bothers me about all of this is that it's being imposed upon me by other women. That's definitely a pattern when it comes to the shaming I've experienced in the Middle East. In Yemen, I found that it was not normal for a non-Muslim foreigner to wear a hijab everyday, so I stopped wearing one. The men looked at me just as they had before, but the women starting glaring and the more conservative ones would mumble insults to me as I passed by, one even calling me evil. Any mean looks that I have gotten here or in Morocco or, let's be honest, in the U.S., come from women. The looks that I get from men in these countries are disgusting in their own right, but are filled with misplaced sexual frustration and ignorance, rather than the animosity and disgust that I get from some women. Of course, I'm not equating dangerous sexual harassment with glares from women, but the latter is especially infuriating after experiencing the former. When discussing subjects like this, I always say that women contribute to patriarchies just as much as men do. I may need to change that to "even more than men do."
No comments:
Post a Comment